Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
