it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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