You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
