i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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