She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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