How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Randomize
