Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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