Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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