apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
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