miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
