I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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