I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
It's shark week go big or go home
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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