i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I pour the whiskey from now on
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
