my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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