I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
