shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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