come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
