Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
