My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Im just a social blackout drinker.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize