She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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