the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
