I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
