I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
