she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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