I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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