apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Randomize
