Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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