i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
