I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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