I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
