Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
