WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
