I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
