My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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