I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I need a burrito and a hug.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
