You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Randomize
