Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
