my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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