it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize
