Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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