I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i already hear my dad disowning me
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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