The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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