I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
