i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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