Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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