That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
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