haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
