Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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