She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Randomize
