my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
