My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
we're so committed to being not committed
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